trauma + dissociation: a nugget of my story
Spotify is my most used app. Really, I am ALWAYS on Spotify. Sometimes I need to schedule sound breaks to make sure I get some silence in my day.
Craving something old, but new, I was browsing my Spotify today. I came across many playlists that I made over the summer. Playlist making is rather sacred for me, and to my surprise, I found a few that I had no memory of making. Not at first at least. I forgot they existed, but when I found them... when I started LISTENING to them... months of my life came back to me.
It’s funny how dissociation works. This summer, let’s say July + August, I was extremely dissociated. A shell of me floated through the streets of Chicago, not unlike a ghost. A fragment of me, an imprint, a flicker. I think of July + August like I think of stories someone told me. I know they happened, and I understand the big idea, but I don’t quite remember them happening to me, and details are lost unless I dig to find them. Details are vanished, details never happened... well... at least not until I found these playlists.
Music is a love of mine for many reasons. Memory, the relationship music has with memory, is absolutely a part of that love. Suddenly, I’m remembering mundane moments... moments like walking to the Chicago lakefront, summer bike rides, ice cream. Bathing in the sun. Memories that always existed, I just had to dig a little bit.
That’s another thing I learned this year. From babysitting, nonetheless. Much like kiddos... we are always taking stuff in. Always. Even in our dissociation. The funny thing about trauma is that she is kind. She is a mother, she is a protector. She wants to play keep away, hide us from the dark. I’ve found that sometimes she’s so good at what she does that she’s hidden me from the light too. I exist in the void, in those times. Trauma covers us up. But much like what I learned from the kids I nanny, I learned that even in those dissociations, I was always taking stuff in. And IF it feels safe, we are fully capable of uncovering what is lost. Finding those golden nuggets, mining for memories in our beautiful observant brains.
I do not lie: it’s hard to find these playlists, to listen to them, to remember these times. To remember my dark night of the soul. Please never push yourself to uncover the past if it doesn’t feel safe. We all are on our own timeline for this thing called healing, and it is not a race. We never have to uncover the covered if we do not want to. Sometimes, that is safest. For me, it’s a blessing to find them today, because I feel safe to explore these times, today.. I feel loved. I feel held. I am reclaiming these tunes, these songs, this music. I am reclaiming these memories, building new neural pathways in my brain, building new roads for me to walk. I am strong and grounded, and I am mining for memories ✨
my heart is with you
Are you a void dweller too? Book a call to find out how I can support you in this space!
